Emotional regulation skills for 1-3 year olds (neurotypical and neurodivergent population)

At this age, children cannot regulate emotions on their own—they borrow the caregiver’s calm until their brains mature.

🌱 Ages 1–2: Early Toddler Emotional Regulation

At this stage, regulation is mostly co-regulation.

Skills They Can Begin to Show

• Seeking a caregiver when upset (crying, reaching up, coming for comfort)

• Using simple gestures/words to express needs (“up,” “all done,” “no,” “mama”)

• Self-soothing basics (sucking thumb/pacifier, holding a comfort object)

• Briefly tolerating frustration with support

• Calming with sensory input (rocking, cuddling, singing, soft rhythmic sounds)

What Helps

• Predictable routines

• Labelling emotions for them (“You’re sad because the toy fell.”)

• Staying physically close and calm

• Keeping choices simple (2 options max)

🌿 Age 2–3: Later Toddler Emotional Regulation

Toddlers still struggle with impulse control and big emotions but start to show early independent skills.

Skills They May Begin to Show

• Using emotion words (“happy,” “mad,” “scared”)

• Accepting help with calming strategies

• Beginning to wait for very short periods

• Using simple coping strategies with prompting:

  • Taking deep “flower” breaths (smell the flower, blow the candle)

  • Using a comfort item

  • Doing a simple sensory activity (squeezing a ball, pushing hands together)

• Moving away from overwhelming situations (walking to a cozy space)

• Following simple regulation routines (“First calm body, then we talk.”)

What Helps

• Narrating emotions (“Your body is having big mad feelings.”)

• Modelling coping (“I’m frustrated, so I’m taking a deep breath.”)

• Offering choices (“Do you want a hug or to squeeze the pillow?”)

• Keeping limits firm but calm

• Using short, simple language

• Providing sensory outlets (jumping, playdough, water play)

🌱 1–2 Years: Early Toddler Neurodivergent Regulation Differences

What You Might See

• Higher sensitivity to sensory input

  • Covering ears

  • Avoiding certain textures

  • Extreme distress with noise, lights, or clothing

• More intense reactions to small triggers

  • Meltdowns vs. typical tantrums

  • Longer time to settle

  • Difficulty being comforted in conventional ways

• Delayed or less consistent social-seeking

  • May not always come to caregiver for comfort

  • May prefer to sit alone or use objects to self-regulate

• Unique soothing behaviours

  • Repetitive movements (hand flapping, rocking)

  • Focus on spinning objects, lights, or patterns

  • Strong attachment to specific routines or items

• Emotional expression may be harder to read

  • Limited facial expressions or mismatched responses

🌿 2–3 Years: Later Toddler Neurodivergent Regulation Differences

What You Might See

• Delayed development of emotion words

  • Difficulty labelling feelings (“mad,” “sad,” “scared”)

  • Limited expressive language making regulation harder

• Difficulty with transitions

  • Even with warnings, moving activities may trigger distress

  • Strong need for sameness/routines for emotional safety

• More frequent or prolonged meltdowns (not “bad behaviour”)

  • Caused by sensory overload, communication difficulties, or fatigue

  • Child is losing control rather than trying to get something

• Less effective co-regulation

  • May reject hugs or touch when upset

  • May need more space or sensory supports (pressure, movement)

• Hyperfocus or need for predictable sequences

  • Using lining up toys, matching, repetitive play as a regulation tool

• Different calming strategies than typically developing toddlers

  • Weighted items

  • Deep pressure

  • Movement (running, jumping, swinging, spinning)

  • Visual schedules

  • Noise-cancelling headphones

✅ Emotional Regulation Support Checklist for Neurodivergent Toddlers (1–3 Years)

🧠 Sensory Regulation

• Provide deep pressure (hugs, squeezes, weighted plush—if tolerated)

• Offer calming movement (rocking, swinging, bouncing)

• Reduce sensory overload (noise, lights, crowds)

• Use noise-cancelling headphones when needed

• Provide sensory tools (fidgets, chewables/chewlry, soft textures)

• Use water, sand, or tactile play for grounding

• Create a quiet, low-sensory retreat area

🧀 Predictable Routines & Transitions

• Keep daily routines highly consistent

• Use visual schedules (photos/icons)

• Use “first–then” cues

• Give transition warnings (timers, countdowns)

• Prepare the child for changes in advance

• Use a transition object between activities

🧸 Co-Regulation (Support Without Pressure)

• Sit near the child during distress without demanding interaction

• Offer comfort items (toy, blanket, sensory object)

• Use calming rhythms (gentle humming, tapping, rocking)

• Model calm breathing or soothing without forcing participation

• Match their preferred sensory style (movement, pressure, quiet)

🗣️ Communication Supports

• Teach simple emotion words using visuals

• Use emotion cards or picture supports

• Model labelling their feelings (“You’re frustrated”)

• Offer nonverbal communication options (pointing, signs, pictures)

• Use short, concrete sentences

• Reduce verbal demands during distress

🎚️ Reduce Cognitive Load

• Offer only two choices at a time

• Break tasks into simple steps

• Minimize background noise before giving instructions

• Avoid requiring eye contact

• Keep directions short and specific

🧩 Support Flexibility

• Use “first–then” boards for changes

• Show the end of an activity (“last piece”)

• Practice small, low-stress changes during calm moments

• Provide extra time for transitions

• Use a comfort or transition object for moving between places

🌬️ Early Coping Skills (Taught Through Play)

• Practice bubble blowing

• Play “smell the flower / blow the candle”

• Encourage squeezing a stuffed animal or pillow

• Use “push-push” hand pressing for grounding

• Teach an “all done” sign or gesture

• Practice calming routines during calm moments (not during meltdowns)

🏡 Calm Space / Safe Retreat

• Create a cozy corner with pillows and blankets

• Reduce lights/sounds in that space

• Add sensory tools (fidgets, soft toys, books)

• Use a tent or small nook for a contained space

❤️ Connection & Relationship

• Follow the child’s interests in play

• Join their activities without directing them

• Respect when they need space

• Stay calm and regulated when they’re dysregulated

• Use simple reassurance (“I’m here”)

🌟 After-Meltdown Repair

• Offer water, snack, or comforting sensory input

• Keep language simple and gentle

• Acknowledge overwhelm (“That was hard”)

• Return to predictable routines

• Avoid punishment—meltdowns aren’t intentional

Every child develops emotional regulation at their own pace, and there is no single “right” way to calm or cope. By offering safety, predictability, and compassionate co-regulation, caregivers play a vital role in supporting a child’s developing nervous system — especially for neurodivergent children. With understanding, patience, and the right supports in place, children can build the foundations for emotional regulation, resilience, and wellbeing over time.

Christine He - Occupational Therapist at Kids Inspired