Emotional Regulation in 9–12 Year Olds: What’s Typical and What Might Look Different in Neurodivergent Children

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice, understand, and manage our feelings so that we can respond—not react—to life’s challenges. For children aged 9–12, this skill becomes increasingly important as school demands, friendships, and independence all grow.

As occupational therapists, we often support families to understand what is developmentally expected at this age, and why some children—particularly neurodivergent children—may experience differences in how they navigate big emotions.

What Emotional Regulation Typically Looks Like for 9–12 Year Olds

Between late primary and early high school, many children begin developing more advanced emotional and social maturity.

While every child is unique, we generally expect to see:

1. Growing Self-Awareness

• Better ability to identify emotions in themselves and others

• Beginning to reflect on why they feel a certain way

• Understanding that multiple emotions can coexist (e.g., excited and nervous)

2. Using Strategies Independently

Most 9–12-year-olds can:

• Take deep breaths or use positive self-talk

• Seek help when needed (teacher, parent, friend)

• Use simple problem-solving steps to calm down

• Practice short breaks or movement to reset

3. Increasing Impulse Control

• Improved ability to “pause” before reacting

• Fewer emotional outbursts

• Ability to walk away from conflict or use words rather than behaviours

4. Understanding Social Expectations

• Awareness of how their reactions impact others

• Beginning to tailor their responses depending on the setting (e.g., school vs. home)

• Better ability to negotiate, compromise, and repair after conflict

5. Tolerating Stress and Frustration

• Handling small disappointments

• Persisting with a challenging task before giving up

• Using coping strategies to manage school pressure, friendships, and new responsibilities

How Emotional Regulation May Look Different in Neurodivergent Children

Children who are autistic, ADHDers, have sensory processing differences, or other neurodevelopmental conditions may experience emotions differently—not because they are less capable, but because their brains process the world in a unique way.

These differences are not “bad behaviour”—they are often signs of overload, unmet needs, or skills still developing.

1. Differences in Internal Awareness

• Difficulty identifying feelings (interoception challenges)

• Emotions may feel “all or nothing”

• Struggles to notice early signs of escalating distress

2. Sensory Processing Impacts

Sensory overload or under-stimulation can significantly affect emotional capacity:

• Loud, bright, busy environments may trigger shutdowns or meltdowns

• Clothing, smells, or unpredictable noises can create chronic stress

• Sensory avoidance or seeking behaviours may be misinterpreted as emotional dysregulation

3. Executive Functioning Differences

Children with ADHD or autistic executive functioning profiles may:

• React quickly before processing the situation

• Become overwhelmed by problem-solving

• Struggle with transitions or sudden changes

• Have difficulty using coping strategies independently, even if they know them

4. Social and Communication Differences

• Misreading social cues can lead to frustration or withdrawal

• Difficulty explaining emotions or needs during stress

• Increased likelihood of masking, which can contribute to emotional burnout

5. Meltdowns vs. Tantrums

A key distinction:

• Meltdowns: neurological overload—not a choice, not attention-seeking

• Tantrums: a behavioural expression of frustration with some degree of control

Neurodivergent children are more likely to experience meltdowns when sensory, emotional, or cognitive demands exceed capacity.

6. Recovery May Take Longer

Once overwhelmed, neurodivergent children may need:

• More time to regulate

• Reduced expectations immediately after an episode

• Predictable routines and safe spaces to reset

How OT Supports Emotional Regulation

Occupational therapists look beyond “behaviour” to understand the why.

Support may include:

• Interoception and body awareness training

• Sensory profiling and environmental adjustments

• Co-regulation strategies for parents and teachers

• Explicit teaching of coping tools, with realistic expectations for independence

• Flexible routines and supports for transitions

• Building executive functioning through practical activities

A strong OT approach recognises that emotional regulation is a skill, not a moral measure—and every child develops at their own pace.

Takeaway

For 9–12-year-olds, emotional regulation is still very much a work in progress. While neurotypical children may start showing greater independence and maturity in managing emotions, neurodivergent children may need more support, structure, and understanding—and that’s perfectly okay.

With the right strategies and compassionate adults guiding them, every child can continue to grow their emotional toolkit.

Sophie Gilbert - Occupational Therapist at Kids Inspired