Emotional Regulation in 3–5 Year Olds: What Occupational Therapists Want Parents to Know

Emotional regulation is one of the most important developmental skills emerging during the preschool years. Between ages 3–5, children are learning how to understand their feelings, use strategies to calm their bodies, and express emotions in ways that are safe and socially appropriate. This learning doesn’t happen all at once—it’s a gradual process shaped by sensory development, communication skills, social experiences, and brain maturation.

As Occupational Therapists, we often support families who are unsure what is typical at this age and how neurodivergence can influence a child’s emotional regulatory capacity. Understanding these differences helps caregivers respond with empathy, predictability and the right supports.

What Emotional Regulation Typically Looks Like at Age 3–5

Children in this age range are still very dependent on co-regulation. Their brains simply aren’t mature enough to manage all big emotions independently. However, we commonly see:

✔️ For 3–4 year olds:

• Using simple phrases to express feelings (“I’m sad”, “That’s too loud!”)

• Seeking comfort from adults when overwhelmed

• Beginning to be redirected to simple calming strategies taught by adults (deep breaths, hugging a toy, taking a break)

• Managing short waiting times with support

• Still having meltdowns—especially when hungry, tired or overstimulated

✔️ For 4–5 year olds:

• Better ability to name emotions and describe why they feel that way

• Starting to predict outcomes (“If I get too excited, I might knock things over”)

• Using strategies more independently, especially with practice

• Improved impulse control

• More successful transitions between activities, though support may still be needed

Even in typically developing children, emotional regulation is a work in progress. Upset, frustration, silliness, and impulsive moments are still developmentally normal.

How Neurodivergence Impacts Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is not just a “behaviour issue”—it’s deeply linked to sensory processing, communication abilities, executive functioning, and nervous system regulation. For neurodivergent children, these systems often function differently.

Below are OT-relevant considerations for autistic and ADHD children.

1. Differences in sensory processing

Many autistic children experience hypersensitivity (e.g., noise, touch) or hyposensitivity (seeking movement or pressure). Sensory overload can quickly push them into dysregulation.

Example:A hand dryer, loud birthday party, or tight clothing tag may feel overwhelming and trigger a meltdown—not because the child is “naughty”, but because their nervous system is overloaded.

2. Communication challenges

If a child cannot easily express their needs—especially when upset—frustration can escalate quickly.

3. Difficulty with flexibility and unexpected changes

A sudden change in routine (new teacher, plans changing, an unexpected transition) may cause emotional distress.

4. Slow recovery after dysregulation

Once dysregulated, autistic children often need more time, predictability and sensory safety before they return to baseline.

Meltdowns are not tantrums—they’re a sign the child’s nervous system is overwhelmed.

How Occupational Therapists Support Emotional Regulation

OTs look beneath the behaviour to understand the why. We consider:

• Sensory processing patterns

• Communication abilities

• Environmental triggers

• Executive functioning skills

• Family routines and stressors

A holistic OT approach may include:

✔️ Sensory-based regulation activities

Movement, deep pressure, heavy work, or calming sensory input.

✔️ Teaching co-regulation and self-regulation strategies

Visual breathing prompts, calm-down kits, using special interests, body awareness tools.

✔️ Predictable routines and visual supports

Schedules, timers, transition warnings.

✔️ Emotional literacy practice

Using different emotions characters, zones, or social stories.

✔️ Parent coaching

Helping caregivers match strategies to the child’s nervous system.

Emotional regulation for 3–5-year-olds is a journey—and an uneven one. Neurodivergent children aren’t “behind”; they simply have different neurobiological wiring that shapes how they process emotions, sensations, and transitions. With OT support, the right sensory strategies, and attuned caregiving, all children can learn to understand and regulate their big feelings in a way that honours who they are.

Jordan Dunn - Occupational Therapist at Kids Inspired